On Second Thought

This week we are going to discuss something called a Vinegaroon, so buckle up Buttercups.

Yes, Vinegaroon sounds like the name of an abstract country whose leading export goes well with balsamic and Brussels sprouts. But as the last year and a half or so would indicate, we cannot count on what we think we might know. We must check with the experts on things that matter.

While browsing Twitter for kitty videos last week, I found an article about some kind of acid-spraying arachnid that are waking up in Texas state parks because of recent rains.

It turns out they are called Vinegaroons (I swear to God) and look like a cross between a scorpion and a spider which makes it just right for this year’s 2021 Are You Kidding Me (again)? bingo card which is rapidly approaching blackout.

I have no doubt we will finish out this card before the end of the year just based on news that broke on Tuesday. (Pick a Tuesday, any Tuesday)

So I checked in with my high school friend and honest-to-God entomologist at large Brant A. Baugh. He is a real expert in the field of all things bug. Which if you’ve read my column in the past year, you already know that Brant has helped see me through some pretty intense moments involving Murder Hornets and Kissing Bug bites that make your lips and nose fall off.

I texted him some questions and initially all he had to say is they’re fun to play with. I pressed him with no word back for two days, which was fine because I was busy cancelling any reservatios I may have had at Texas state parks.

Brant is a busy man, but I was relentless and uncharacteristically patient.

To recap the past year, I was horrified about the sudden discovery of Murder Hornets in the United States in 2020, then again during the resurgence of them in 2021 because the words murder and hornets are in their name. The Kissing Bug was intense because something that sounds so sweet shouldn’t be capable of eating your nose and lips.

Then here comes something whose name isn’t even a word, and frankly it sounds just as terrifying as a big fat hornet that rips smaller bees’ heads off of their bodies.

Only this time it’s the hypothetical love child of a scorpion and a spider that can hurt you without touching you. No thank you.

But Brant did finally answer my urgent questions and swears the acid is actually just vinegar and “they don’t sting, they don’t bite, they just spray vinegar on you. They are very large and look scary (see??? ) but they spray white vinegar. Fun.”

Sadly, that was comforting to me. and I’m gonna go with the science on this one. Brant says he has played with them and I believe him. He also said not to jack around with Murder Hornets, and I also believed him and we were both right.

I’m headed to a Texas state park near you, soon. Follow that science, y’all.