On Second Thought
Really, 2020?
Since this pandemic started, I have worked hard to have a good attitude, take things in stride and recognize there are (many) things I cannot control. And for the most part, I have succeeded.
And when I have a bad day, I try my best not to make contact with people because Kari with a crappy disposition is somebody I don’t even like.
BUT ... But, when I turn on the Twitter and hear about MURDER HORNETS, well I just think 2020 has taken this little social experiment a little too far. Apparently, ‘murder hornet’ is an accurate and unhinged way of describing 2020’s newest existential threat which are Asian giant hornets. On a related note, I’m not seeing people for a while.
When I saw the story about the MURDER HORNETS the first three times, I thought it was clickbait to take our minds off the coronavirus. Seriously, they look like nightmares. But an article on Twitter got my attention because it says they’ve been found in Washington State, a state that is now off my bucket list until all this is sorted out.
According to an article in the New York Times, this hornet sports mandibles (big ones) shaped like spiked shark fins. Their venom and stingers have been “likened to hot metal driving into skin.” Also, their mandibles are shaped specifically to decapitate honeybees and give people like me nightmares.
Really, 2020?
What most people don’t know about me is that I will mow down a toddler to get away from a wasp or anything I think is a wasp and I’m afraid of what I will do if murder hornets show up in Texas.
I have only been stung one time by a wasp. I was nine years old and running in the sunshine when a wasp ran into my forearm, buttfirst. I almost heard the color two. So, if you see me running, get out of the way. I’m not a jogger.
So I’m looking for experts.
I have numerous friends who have morphed into constitutional scholars and virologists in recent weeks, some of whom can’t spell either word. Surely, I have closet entomologist friends.
Turns out I am friends with a legitimate entomologist, Brant Baugh, another IPHS Class of 1983 member, and I asked him the questions so you wouldn’t have to.
For clarity, Brant received his Bachelor’s and Master’s Degree in entomology from Texas Tech University (GUNS UP!), so this is good stuff.
Q. Should I be more afraid of dying from Coronavirus or Murder Hornets in your professional opinion?
A. Well hello Kari, interesting question.
Psychologically speaking, it would depend on which way you lean. Are you a germaphobe or an entomophobe? If both or either, I am unable to help. I do know that this Vespa spp. is large and prefers old growth forests with high humidity and rainfall. Last time I checked, this alone will rule out North Texas. Do you remember when we were in school and the “Killer Bees” were invading from Mexico? Well, they are here and we call them Africanized. Every honey bee colony in the South is now Africanized. No big deal. In my opinion, this Corona Virus pandemic is real, worrisome and tiresome. Too many of us walking around asymptomatic and going to work, shopping and spreading it to loved ones. I know people who have the virus, I do not know anyone who has died of bee stings. Give me the murder hornet any day, because I can see them and have the tools to control them. Just my point of view.
Q. In light of this new “thing”, what item would it make sense to hoard in the event that the murder hornets do reach North Texas? Toilet paper doesn’t make any more sense than cottage cheese in my opinion. I’m leaning toward anything in the liquor family, as well as Benadryl.
A. Ok, these things nest in the ground and will protect the hive with gusto. Picture 30 large wasp the size of your thumb roaring out of a hole in the earth. These hornets have a very distinctive low humming sound that will make sane people scream and run. So knowing this, and if I were given the task of extermination, I would hoard cotton duck tarps to make all my clothing including underwear. I would need an assortment of the thickest bee suits made. You should probably treat at night when wasps are not quite as active, so you will need those helmet lights that miners wear. Last but not least, you will need an army of dumb but hungry relatives that will do anything for a few dollars after imbibing too much alcohol. You’re going to need a very well made CO2 backpack stainless steel high volume sprayer and quick knock down pyrethroid if you are going to treat the hive yourself. With that said, a cheap three gallon pump up sprayer from Walmart and soapy water will suffice for the inebriated hungry relative. You will get stung and nothing will relieve the stinging pain. However, lovingly applying a wad of tobacco to the 10 or more painful stings will make your dense relative feel better. So to wrap this up, hoard cotton duck tarps, really good bee suits, dish washing soap, batteries and bulbs for lights, good chewing tobacco and cheap project beer. Remember, be nice to all relatives with a low IQ because everybody has purpose.
